The New Earth

The promised land. The most aware and alive time of my life. The pinnacle of my leadership journey.

It the end & the beginning of everything. Everything I have learnt and been through.

18th January 2010 WAS EPIC. 18th January 2010 was the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. It was the day I fought the hardest I have ever fought for anything. Nobody knows it – not the way I do. But those hours I spent alone in room #405, waiting for my turn to go in there and be WHO I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE were the most challenging seconds, minutes, hours of my life. I put everything I had been through, read, known, heard, wanted, needed – everything into my fifteen minutes out there. It wasn’t about what I was talking about – not at all. It was the why – it will always be.

It was like a dream – a dream coming true not because how it ended. A dream for how it was lived. A dream made possible by belief, trust and passion – and not only my own. Not only mine at all.

Everyone important to me, and everyone I am important to – came together to let me know – they believed in me. I don’t even know how to describe it. How to describe the texts, the gestures, the smiles, the calls, the words – I KNOW YOU WILL DO GREAT repeated by people without consulting each other.

The people became THE REASON. The country became THE PASSION. The organization became THE ANSWER again.

At the end of the day, when it was all over, when we were in one room preparing ourselves for the result, I sent out a text to a few:

THANK YOU. Whatever it maybe from here on, I will only live my best form everyday. I did not realize how strong an experience/realization this would be.

I meant every word of it. The day was so much more than an election, than a contest for a position. It became the turning point of my purpose in life. It became the first day of the rest of my life.

I don’t even know how or where to go from here right now. I am merely readjusting to re-arranged ‘everything’ as of now. But I am at base-camp again. And I am ready. Like always. But also still dark and twisted. Like always:)

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Revelations

I just discovered the top words in my facebook status updates/tweets:

1):aiesec – used 39 times

2):love – used 34 times

3):being – used 33 times

4):life – used 30 times

5):best – used 27 times

6):than – used 26 times

7):people – used 26 times

8):home – used 22 times

9):happy – used 21 times

10):good – used 21 times

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When & how did this happen?

Before its too late

There is, afterall, a thing like being too late to so something. Practically to catch a flight, to write an exam, to apply for VISA, you get my point.

What is a bigger (worser, if that a word) realization is that there is an expiry date on all decisions you make in life. Today, at this point of time, there are things I need to decide, things I need to say, people I need to meet, ideas I need to implement, feel a certain way, that I can only feel right now! Because before I know, it maybe too late.

So, in the midst of everything thats happening right now – with my people, they are really bringing up the spice, not always in a good way, but oh the lives they lead, now they are giving me real story writing content, sad and true. With my purpose – which is getting all disintegrated and integrated at the same time. Almost like my heart does, every now and then. With my hopes & desires – what if they also have an expiry date?

With all this (and that), I wish to do a few things before its too late.

I wish to tell you what you mean to me, even if it upsets you and makes you uncomfortable. I am ready to take that risk, because it maybe too late to say it. And you might not get enough time to realize things that come with it.

I wish to give back to you in life, because, you have dedicated yours to mine.

I wish to be myself, because thats the only way I know how to be.

I wish to have a better self-image (and you are reading and thinking – well it doesn’t seem like you have a bad one – we all have our insecurities intact, they drive our capabilities)

I wish to indulge in my passions because they will guide me home.

I wish to stay in bed whole day reading, watching tv and reading again. Throw in a cup of hot chocolate.

I wish to meet you soon, its been too long. Just give a date, a place and the go ahead. You can leave a message with the universe, I’ll get it.

One by one, everything & everyone

Made a life plan, a life calender. Put down things I want to do. Started with putting them against the planned year. Ended up filling the page with several things all over the place, not concerned about the timing. Thats when I felt this. Felt completely in control and capable. It always comes on early mornings that come with lack of sleep, and an insightful !

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Seems like a morning which lets you know that anything is possible. That all you did wrong, that went wrong, all that did not happen doesn’t mean anything. What you decide (DECIDE, yes, thats what I said) does!

Because right now, in this moment, you can choose life. Choose life over confusion, choose life over guilt, choose life over insecurity, choose life over lonliness. Choose life with hope & happiness. Hope that is followed up by a resolution to live and create a reality of all your dreams.

One by one, all that you ever wanted falling into its designated place like the snow flakes and the rain drops from the sky. And it will be beautiful. It will be perfect. It will be exactly what you wanted. And those who are chosen (by you or chance or destiny) under the big plan will share it with you, now and then and forever. So don’t worry and go to sleep. You have so much to dream & achieve for yourself.

” I am that stranger who has nothing to give you and who is telling you to look inside.” – Ekchart Tolle

Stability

I love. I hate. I talk. I contradict. I am vulnerable.

I like feeling the same I felt when three-four years ago. It was more authentic but less wise.

I like the fact that I have a life with more to do than another person my age. Its exhilarating for that side of mine which learns and creates and fills moments with capability.

I like having people. I have some of them, but we are all on a path to redeem ourselves of our insecurities, and fulfill our self-defined (influenced by the world) goals and desires. We take each other for who we are but its not enough. The individual pursuit for self-actualization keeps us away and active. But one day, we’ll spend time, money and energy to just be together and recount old moments while creating new ones.

I like that I have a few things I know I HAVE to do soon in life.

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I like that I can like so many things without feeling certain, without feeling any stability. But then again, what is it anyway?

Restart

Written a few days ago. I am home as a start...

We are all products of our childhood & we are always trying to breakfree from what it is that made us, I concluded this when I was still young & somehow ended up studying Psychology – a field I did not completely understand existed for me to actually study in school. It felt pathetic to realize (and recall an instance with each conclusion) that situations beyond our control & will molded us & affected us deeply, when we were too young to even realize the concept of life as we know it. (Reminds me of the recent report which concluded that one out of every two children in India are sexually molested/abused – and then we wonder why the newer generations are messed up beyond repair. We DO need a new earth with new human consciousness).

We are all normal. Infact, we are all extraordinary & unique with our interests, pursuits & passions. Not to mention our fantasies, desires, behaviour patterns, friends and whatever it is that we currently ‘do’. And then we are all dark & twisted, out drivers sitting deep within our consciousness, established most probably before we even hit puberty or adolescence.

You could walk upto almost anyone on earth & tell them your one deep dark situation/emotion which most of your behaviour, ambition & choices are fixated around. And simply ask – what is yours? And if you are talking to someone even remotely self-aware (or expressive), you’d get an answer or even better a story – and a story, as they say, is truer than the truth.

And in all probability you have already done this. In some instances, it forms the basis for life-long relationships. You find someone who sticks around even after knowing where you are coming from. If you are lucky, even helps you go ahead and do bigger, better things in life, by dealing with your un-solvable, un-explainable & un-reasonable situation & choices. Thats why, people is better than no people.

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I am twenty three years old & find myself far far away from MY idea of what it is like to be twenty three. More importantly, I find myself in an absurdly different point. And I know its not only in my head. Everything I know, everything that has happened to me, every guilt, every mistake, every happy memory, every choice, every person, every desire, every self-judgement – EVERYTHING is catching up, adding up & floating vividly in my consciousness. I can relate it to the often shared near to death experiences – flashbacks of all the important events & people of your life hitting you all at once. Either I am about to die (saying it like this is liberating), or face a major catastrophe (and I have imagined a few already, adding to my paranoia). OR this is simply one of those rare chances life offers you to make a choice and redeem yourself of all the baggage (not the number of years but the awareness of your existence determines this).

In my mind, the list of issues I need to resolve is more clear than its ever been. And I feel that if I don’t do it now, I will surely fall apart. I am already beginning to feel that I have come to indulge in my worst self in the past few months. Signs have been evident. (Finding yourself talking to yourself loudly and talking to the sky – I am assuming to God – and knowing you are NOT crazy yet – is unsettling).

Here I am, aware yet undecided, wanting to reform yet lost. If I am indeed capable to doing this ALL on my own, then I am ready!

free at two three

So much. Literally. And as strange and cliche it may be, hardly any words will do justice to my state of mind.

This week, I found love & happiness for someone, peace, people I can call mine, accomplishment, witnessed dreams becoming reality, witnessed people changing for the better, felt proud of having been who I had come to be in AIESEC and people that got the chance to join and change because I made the sacrifices that I did. Also made plans – happy plans, and I also turned twenty three on my eighteenth (nat’l/int’l) AIESEC Conference – that was quite sudden. Twenty three – really? I was just eighteen, but being twenty one seems like a distant dream, and twenty two – was okay. I am not supposed to think like this, numbers and figures, age and months – they are not defining values of life, but this time, I had to think.

Also this week, I let the same fears, pain and guilt lead me which have influenced me time and again especially in the last two years, I lost people that I once called mine, maybe because of them, maybe because of me, maybe just because of time, maybe I just think I did. I also saw me make a promise to myself and break it (yet again), and I blamed time, and emotion and everything I could just to justify what I felt.

I don’t even know what this means. I am still waiting for you to tell me.

Facts that matter, right now:

Harveen has a niece, and she is a Virgo!

Thanks to my Dad, my parents have run out of time to decide where to move, and this might be the last week I call that house in Panjab University Chandigarh HOME! I am going to help with the shifting (wherever they are moving?). Its going to be nostalgic, its going to make me feel 16, its going to be difficult. There will be Ram Leela and hot peanuts and desi popcorn and One standard Gypsy with Cops and kids dragging parents (or otherwise).

I want to go to UK this December with Harveen for her Convocation at LSE. Fingers crossed.

I think I finally have my job figured out, or atleast what I want to do before I am done with my term. I like how its hoped to be shaping up.

Apurav has finalized his accommodation in Mumbai, him having a proper kitchen tops my priority list.

I didn’t pick up Prerna’s call on my birthday and haven’t talked to her since, I think she is going to be pissed or just indifferent

Aseem called. I think I should have called him long time back, just like I need to call Anupam and Ashima.

Avinash & Tewari are ALSO senti.

Mumbai Meri Jaan

I am sure I already mentioned how Mumbai is absolutely the kind of city I never would have aspired to live in, yet its the city I have moved to first. The stark difference between where I come from (I call it a small non-cosmo but green, planned, modern & amazing city, with an informed and conducive environment, well atleast enough to not make me feel left behind in anyway whatsoever)

But Mumbai – why do I feel compelled to write about the city, from my meager experience of living here only for three months, out of which I was traveling for more than a month, when I know more than enough has been written, said, and talked about this city and what it means to breathe, survive and live here.

Its because its it is the city of dreams for many, and whether it turns out to be that for you or not, it mesmerizes you with the power to turn someone’s dreams into reality even though someone like me still keeps wondering how one things even work in this city, what keeps these people going, and how, HOW on Earth is this a place people LOVE to live in.

And then it happens to you, one day when you are coming back home in an auto listening to songs that sound best only in an auto along Marine drive, when the cool breeze fills LIFE into you, and you see LIFE all around you. You see people from all stratas of society strolling along the sea, you see kids trying to sell you roses right outside Jazz By the Bay just to keep the irony going, you see the parties in high society balconies, houses that cost a few million times more than the roses being sold right beneath them.

Because you live in only a suburb, you get the pleasure of seeing Mumbai – THE CITY disappear into the background, just to see MORE of it, only its not as dreamy and rosy. Its greener though, but you see the quality of life around you wavering in huge proportions, but you never not see life, you never not see human presence, you never not see cars and autos and cabs on the Eastern Express Highway – in an endless chase to beat each other, with destinations spread over the Suburbs or beyond.

When you see a hill on the left, glittering with bulbs from the slums which cover it to the top, and you see a plane preparing to land out the right corner of your eye (occasionally its more than one, and you see series of lights in the sky approaching your direction – and it ignites one of those childhood fantasies of seeing something other than a plane in the sky because from the Highway you only see a light getting bigger and brighter), when you see these two things, you know you near home (a house you never wanted to like enough to call it home).

Thats Mumbai, or the tiny little part of it I live every now and then. There are other parts ofcourse, of meeting old friends in Bandra, of watching a moving in Mulund, of simply trying to pretend you live in Powai and spending a whole Sunday there sitting in a Cafe.

To conclude, I am not sure if I love it or hate it, but I have come to enjoy the existence of this city. And the way I live is a factor which that makes it swing all the time, the city, and the job – both have me bewildered.

Not just another conference

Despite the incredibly liberating moment I had before coming to Malaysia back home, in India, in Mumbai, I seem to have left some perspectives blocked. However, it provided enough room for me to come here and experience International Congress as something special, because thats what it is.

107 countries is a lot more than a lot people will ever get to travel to, 520 young people representing these countries carry unique and important opinions that are shared rarely on one platform. The energy, the knowledge, the drive – it comes together to take AIESEC forward, every year.

Even though I have been in AIESEC for four years, being at this IC has brought forward some new and fresh patterns, ideas and commitments. Each session has been substantially meaningful and constructive. I must admit that its after a long time that I feel like I am actually learning at a conference. Perhaps, the roles I have been playing and the frame of mind I have attended my last few conferences in, was not the best in terms of seeking some answers. The predispositions about AIESEC and what I want to do here and how were predominant.

But here, I have been a delegate. And its been very fulfilling – enough to fuel my passion to do my current job in AIESEC well and effectively. And thats cool and new for the way I have lived AIESEC, and those who know me well would know why – why this year is proving to be so different than my first four years in AIESEC. Its after a long time that I am maintaining a note of every session and every thought that I have penned down and want to remember.

I am beginning to seek simplicity and clarity like never before – about everything, including my future. And I am also happy to see some questions and thoughts raised about AIESEC and its relevance and its future at this conference. Only because it validates my doubts, and answers them at the same time.

In conclusion however, I am still unclear about how I actually feel about being here, perhaps I should stop thinking of the future that much. The places, the people and the purpose for the next ten months are pre-decided. And I have that to live – and perhaps only in the now.

On a personal note I have had funny realizations at some odd moments about how I am really far from a lot of people that have started to matter a lot including my parents. And maybe thats how it will be for a while.

The future is promising, in AIESEC or outside, in India or outside – I am the only common factor.

Today

First & foremost, my country made me who I am. And I make it what it is everyday for it inspires me to. Happy Birthday India.